I am not perfect . . . and I know that.

Let me recall the day I noticed I lost focus on everything I thought I knew.

As I walked in the living room, the temperature felt moist and sticky. I looked outside and caught a quick glimpse of the sun’s beautiful rays dancing across the fields. The grass untamed scattered wildly, while the flowers had sprung up here and there. There were sights of bees peacefully pollinating the colorful bright yellow daffodils and the rough cloudy patches of dandelions flew away in the breeze. I smiled. In my head, I thought,” Well it was another nice day to stay inside.”

I didn’t feel like putting the AC on, so I just walked towards my favorite spot on the couch. The spot that is right smack in front of the TV. I reached for the remote that laid on top of the table. Turned on the TV. And automagically, CNN was playing. My mother walked in, all dressed up in her scrubs, sat next to me, and slipped on her shoes.

The headlines Coronavirus Pandemic Updates was plastered all over the screen. I didn’t really bother to pay attention to the news anchor. I already knew what he was going to say. More deaths. More time in quarantine.

More isolation.

My mother asked me if I completed my online classes. Half the times I had lied and said I had done it. Even though I was planning to complete them later on the day, I wasn’t in the pretentious mood. She finally had left, and I listened to the heavy steps in the hallways slowly getting louder. In a few seconds the small heads of my little brothers appeared.

Both were wrestling to run to the door that my mother had just left in. The smallest one crying out “mama, mama go.” My little big sister (ironic because I am the oldest but she is the tallest), who followed them, quickly scooped up the smallest one and held the hands of the oldest one leading them on the couch. I switched CNN to Youtube and played interactive dance songs for my brothers.

During quarantine my sister and I basically set up a fake “school” to keep them productive. It usually takes about two hours of dancing, playing around, and telling stories we find off the internet. I basically have all the time in the world, right after. I could probably go outside and get some dribbles in with a soccer ball, or even try to learn French off of Youtube. I could also try to finish my Research Essay for Bowne so my grade in his class doesn’t look so yucky.

But I ended up sleeping. Sleeping away the anxious feeling for my mother, an essential worker, for her safety in properly equipping herself with protection against the Covid-19. Sleeping away the feeling of being distant with my father (since January), only having to exchange phone calls every so often. Sleeping away my motivation for the second semester I pledge to do better with procrastination. But that inner demon keeps consuming me and I allow it. But I can give my procrastination all the credit, work overload plays a big part of it.

I feel as the work overload has become less in quantity but more at the same time. Covid-19 forced us students to adopt a new style of learning. Without the guidance of a professor or teacher, students feel like their education is feeling abandoned.

Now with remote learning, students have to discipline themselves to this new style, but with stress of health and safety of ourselves and our loved ones, this really can consume our attention span. I notice that I have less patience since the beginning of quarantine. I never had the mood to do things I had done before. All I do is eat, sleep , and my class work, repeating until the weekends.

I often feel bad for the graduates of 2020. All 12 years have been completed just for the epidemic to ruin your last fun year of adolescence. I am grateful for the well-being of my family, but this affects my goals of self growth as a person. I wanted to be able to continue my momentum I set up in the beginning of the first semester.

But now my motivation drains out of me. I am tired of things changing and I know you, as a reader, are too.

All we have to do is wait patiently. Indoors.

Isolation.

Avoiding any possible contact with other people ,other than contacts with family members at home. We all hoped 2020 to be a New Year of growth and abundance, but it is filled with anxiety and fear.

P.S. Not part of the dispatch, but I like to explain. The whole bee epidemic seems sketchy and planted. How does an insect fly 100 miles across an ocean and magically appear here?