Hello, reader. What’s going on? Definitely few good things. You’re probably lying to me and, in the process, yourself. I will note, however, that lying to either of us would never have written this piece, or 90% of my other writings.

  What I have learned from this brain of mine is that we are companions and lovers and enemies. I’ll give her what she wants, and sometimes she’ll even pay me back by letting me do my laundry and not feel as if I will die by way of opening my bedroom door.  When she’s demanding, I notice that I become demanding.  She screams at me, louder than any mistake I have made and any theater camp I have attended. When she’s silent, though, she can edit my life into rows and columns of mistakes. 

  She is my Lizzie McGuire movie. She doesn’t graduate when you want her to and, instead, moves everywhere else. 

  This past week, I figured that maybe God isn’t a woman. This is a short diary of that time. This should probably be a great time for us. 

MONDAY, MAY 2ND

  I woke up this morning and thought a little deeply about Bella Thorne. This is usually what happens when I neglect my stress relief pills, which I mid-day convince myself that I need to start packing and never do. My good friend and I spent a disgusting portion of the day joking about Bella and Tana Mongeau, and my least favorite part is that it made me feel so much better. I get into phases, and right now I’m convincing myself that storytime YouTube videos are much better than healthy relationships. I kind of fell asleep for the rest of the day, mainly due to fatigue and overall fear. Because I know you’re so concerned, I ended the night with Sunny D and White Lotus on HBO Max. According to my standards, this is incredible. 

TUESDAY, MAY 3RD

  It’s difficult to remember what I truly felt during school when I only made up state testing and constructed theses. I’m learning to be fine with that. Nothing can make a day in my brain’s wheel control worse than lying to my parents, so naturally that is the first thing I did upon entering my house. “My day was good, how about yours?” By the time it’s night, my baby brother has started realizing that cleaning products are real and my step-dad started noticing this theory. He’s fine, guys. Genuinely, though, I ask myself what I would do without walking downstairs to them running around the kitchen and eating waffles. The answer is never good.  In fact, there are times when I get so overwhelmed that I never cry until a very specific situation occurs. It’s almost like an abyss that never really blacks out! I genuinely bawl my eyes out upon spilling my Gatorade on my favorite book. Go look up Flowers on the Moon by Billy Chapata on Audible.Com. I don’t have the real book anymore. 

WEDNESDAY, MAY 4TH

   I’m really starting to love Phoebe Bridgers, and am really thankful for her. I missed out on loving her music when all of my closest friends did, and maybe that earns them a Radio Disney Music Award, if you remember the three years in which those shows only kind of happened. That’s fine with me. I lived today through a glass bowl. You know when you’re observing your own actions and, in the process, not necessarily understanding the process of doing them? That often happens when I get so foggy that schoolwork seems brand new and, therefore, intimidating and almost haunting to think about alongside moving through a day.  LOL :)! Algebra happens, then Spanish, then history. I plan to go to school for psychology, and  know those classes should not be scaring me as much as they are. They do, though, which is iconic. I notice that all of this is alright to feel, and fall asleep to Noah Galvin audiobooks. Look him up on Audible.Com. He is so important. 

THURSDAY, MAY 5TH

  I forgot about the scene in Toy Story 3 where all of the toy friends get burned alive in a garbage disposal. Not today, though! That scene replays in my head alongside any childhood movie scene that made me scared or panicked or miserable. I used to convince myself that after these scenes, I was in danger. Guess who never really unlearned that!  Sometimes when I notice I need a certain thing, it can be difficult to ask for it. But I really needed a hug. Bella x Tana friend was there to squeeze me as she usually is, so that was fun. I factor polynomials, conjugate AR verbs, and debut as Tybalt in front of my English class before I go home and sleep through everything except dinner. 

FRIDAY, MAY 6TH.

  My mother decided to nurture me for nine months, and I was  not so convinced she did it so that I could cry genuine tears of joy over Noah Galvin from Audible.Com noticing my birthday message to him, but apparently she did. You know when a good occurrence can remind you that your world is not crumbling in your sleep? Yeah, me too. I realized today that Sam Smith’s In The Lonely Hour is delicious, and them and their album are almost perfect if you cut out the friends in your ear convincing you otherwise. That is all I honestly remember from Friday, plus the Wegmans catering that felt concerningly like The Daily Bread. I love you, mom. 

  Seriously, though,  I hope you now understand that difficult brains are universal. They suck the fun out of us, but they never take it completely. We have the power to reclaim it. That is a beautiful power that often goes unrecognized, but we are built-in creators. Reach out for help. Read your books. Talk to a friend about both of your lives, and let each other know when it gets a bit overwhelming. At the end of your weeks, there just might be a Noah Galvin. 

  You are going to win. You were not forced into this battle to let it pin you down for three seconds.