Recently, I’ve been helping create holiday-themed decorations to be put up in the main foyer for Spirit Week. This got me thinking, “What are my favorite holidays?”
To answer that question I’ve decided to make this definitive holiday ranking.
This ranking is indisputable and is absolutely, 100% correct. Don’t try to fight me on it. I’m right, you’re wrong, I win. On that note, let’s begin!
- Columbus Day
No one takes more pride in being Italian than Italian-Americans. They love to brag about how decades ago their great-great-great grandfather lived in Italy. How many times I’ve had to hear, “It’s not marinara, it’s gravy” drives me insane.
Every time one of them starts bragging about being 62% Italian, or how great their food is, or how beautiful it is over there, I want to shove a sock down their throat. You were born and raised in America, your parents were born and raised in America, your grandparents were born and raised in America, and most likely your great-grandparents were as well. You are American! Most of the time they’ve never even seen an inch of Italy or had a bite of authentic Italian food.
It is for this reason that I hate Columbus Day. Absolute bogus day. The man didn’t even accomplish what we give him credit for. But still the Italian-Americans use this day as a rallying cry. I can’t stand it anymore.
Also Columbus did some real horrendous things, so there’s that. Crappy holiday all around.
- April Fools
A practical joke is just a bad joke. Why would I want to prank someone? That takes too much effort. It’s also one of the most forgettable holidays. Half the time it passes and I didn’t even know it happened.
I don’t have much to say about this one, I just don’t like it.
- Halloween
Easily the most overhyped holiday out of them all. The holiday is average at best, but people act as if it is some incredible event.
I don’t see the enjoyment in dressing up as a character or person you like and parading around your neighborhood asking for candy. The holiday is only fun for little kids and cosplayers. Once you hit a certain age, the holiday loses all value.
People who ride or die for Halloween and make it their whole personality are just weird. They just love letting you know how much they love horror movies and how blood and guts don’t scare them. They are some of the worst kinds of people and they bring the holiday down from being good to just alright.
- Mother’s Day
The first genuinely good holiday on this list. Mothers are some hard working ladies and they deserve this day of gratitude and appreciation. There isn’t much to say about this smaller holiday, but it’s still a good one that I always make sure to mark on my calendar.
- May the Fourth
I love Star Wars. There are so many shows, games, and movies that I could go on about for pages and pages, but for your sake I’ll keep this short. Star Wars is a franchise that is integral to my childhood. From watching the original trilogy with my dad to playing versus mode with my older brother Colin on Battlefront. A day to celebrate this amazing and influential franchise is a great day in my book.
- St. Patrick’s Day
St. Patrick’s Day is one of the most underrated and underappreciated holidays out there. It has one of the best holiday meals that I would argue even rivals that of the Thanksgiving Day turkey. Roast beef and cabbage is just divine. Pour some malt vinegar on it and it’s absolutely heavenly. And to add on to the godsent that is roast beef and cabbage, there is also soda bread, which is equally as delicious.
The one complaint I have with this little holiday is that no one knows the true lore behind it. St. Patrick’s day isn’t actually about Leprechauns and four-leaf clovers, the holiday is celebrating the heroic works of St. Patrick. As legend has it St. Patrick drove all of the snakes out of Ireland with a stick.
More people need to learn about why we celebrate St. Patrick’s day. It drives me nuts when I start talking about the snakes that were driven out of Ireland and people look at me like I have six heads.
- Fourth of July
AMERICA! Time to fire up the ol’ Ford-F150 and grab us some Brewskies, we’re headed to the backyard barbecue where ten dads stand around a single grill and moms huddle up and spill the latest tea.
Baked beans, hot dogs, hamburgers, macaroni salad, watermelon, and maybe even some sausages if you’re lucky. Fourth of July barbecues are packed with some great food. But food isn’t the best part of Fourth of July, it’s the atmosphere.
July 4th is the one day a year where every American lets their inner patriot come out. An undeniable pride surges up on Fourth of July, one that just makes you want to yell out from the rooftops, “God bless our troops, God bless America, and gentlemen start your engines!”
America is just the best.
- Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is one of the absolute best holidays out there because it’s solel focus is one of the best things in the world— food! And good food at that.
The best plate loadout for a thanksgiving dinner is a good helping of scalloped potatoes, a slice of turkey covered in gravy, a spoonful of cranberry sauce with chunks, some string bean casserole, a portion of stuffing, and to top it off, some apple crisp. And for dessert, a plate of apple pie topped with ice cream.
And better yet, once all the food has been eaten, you can kick back and watch the Dallas Cowboys lose another game.
- Black Friday
What’s better than eating a hearty Thanksgiving meal and then going out to wrestle for 10% off a PS5? Nothing, that’s what.
Now, I must admit, I am not the most experienced when it comes to this holiday. But the concept of it has always just intrigued me. It’s just so American. Fighting your fellow neighbor to buy some useless garbage that’s on a slight discount.
I think this year is gonna be the year where I throw my hat in the Black Friday ring and go buy me something nice. Maybe I’ll even be able to body slam some middle-aged mom!
1.President’s Day
Nothing says “I love American presidents of old” more than a discount on a new car. I bet if someone time traveled back to 1864 and told Lincoln that there was a holiday dedicated to honoring his work and the work of all presidents, and the biggest part of this holiday was sales on vehicles and other appliances, he would burst out into tears of pure joy and accomplishment.
George Washington suffered in the freezing colds at Valley Forge and risked life and limb to cross the icy Delaware on Christmas Day. And how is this work honored? Some pretty sick deals.
I love some good deals and the U.S. presidents, so of course this holiday has to top the list.
Here’s my ranking of just a few of the holidays. Remember, this list is definitive and absolutely correct, no debating this.
If there is any takeaway to be had from this list, it is that in order to be a good holiday, there must be one of two things. A good sale or a good meal. If a holiday lacks those, it’s most likely gonna end up on the bottom of the list on anyone’s ranking.
