Have you ever been at Thanksgiving dinner and wished you were anywhere else? Well, this is the article for you! No one wants to hear their redneck uncle talking about how global warming doesn’t exist and Bud Light has “gone woke”. Or the constant “What college are you going to?” because they know nothing about your life other than your age.
This article is a guide to how to survive the unbearable thanksgiving dinner. Because, let’s be real, subpar turkey and store-bought pumpkin pie are hardly a sufficient price for this nonsense.
- Sitting at the kiddie table
The kiddie table is the bomb. Sure, you get small metal chairs and a tiny table, and you have to disinfect yourself from your germy five-year-old cousins, but at least it’s away from the politics. The only downside is having to play babysitter and make sure the little guys don’t eat the crayons Grandma Betty gave them. Oh boy.
- Smiling and nodding
When your family member says the most objectionable, out of pocket thing you’ve ever heard, just smile and nod. Add a few uh-huhs and after twenty minutes, they’ll pester someone else. Boom. You win.
- Feigning illness
Fake a cough and make it sound convincing. Make everyone believe you have a cold and they’ll stay away from you. Except for your redneck uncle John who doesn’t believe in vaccines. You’ll need a different trick for him.
- The football game
Turn on the football game in the basement and family members will flock down the stairs, leaving you to your solitude. Even uncle John! His conservative comments will be muffled by the door, leaving you to your comfortable silence.
- Go on a walk
Sometimes, you just need a breather. Gather the family members you actually enjoy being around and go on a walk around the neighborhood. And if you don’t like anyone, just take the dog. You’ll be back before they even notice you’re gone.
- Naptime
Sometimes you’re just a little sleepy-eepy and exhausted from all the commotion and just need some shuteye. Just sneak into the guest room, eat your mac and cheese in peace, and take a snooze on the bed. As long as your sister and her fiance aren’t in there. Stay tuned for the gender reveal in August!
- Tune out
The final way to get away from the chaos is to just tune out. Daydream that you’re watching your favorite Netflix show, or listening to your favorite song. Soon, all the voices will fade out and it’ll just be you and your thoughts peacefully coexisting. And hopefully your family doesn’t assume you’re under the influence because of how long you’ve been zoning out.
Of course you love your family. You just can only deal with a fraction of them a portion of the time. This article is (mostly) satire, but hopefully it helps you get through what can be a very uncomfortable holiday depending on your environment. Have a great Thanksgiving, and use these tricks to your advantage.
Trust me, you’ll need it.
