Ah, Black Friday. That magical time of year when you can purchase all your favorite clothes while simultaneously losing your self-respect, sense of personal space, and maybe even a few pounds of flesh in the process. If you plan on participating in this bargain battle royale, here is your guide to surviving, and maybe even thriving, in the chaos.

Prepare for Aggression – On Black Friday, people can get aggressive. Be strategic in your avoidance of both physical contact and eye contact like you’re a highly-trained spy. Dodge, weave, and twist your way through the crowd with the precision of an Olympic gymnast.    

Dress for War – Forget being stylish–you’re entering a warzone. You need to channel your inner gladiator. Wear padded armor (preferably made of bubble wrap). Your opponents? Frail grandmothers, soccer moms, college students on Red Bull.

Pro Tip: wear a helmet. You never know when some psycho teenage girl will whip you with her soccer cart.

Map Your Plan – Don’t just wander aimlessly through the aisles. You need a plan. Think beforehand: which stores have the best deals on which items? At what time do they open? A few hours of research could save you a lot of time. Once you’re in, head straight for your top stores and items.

The Post-Battle – Congratulations: you’ve survived the madness. You’ve successfully (or maybe not successfully) secured your wanted deals. But regardless, you’ve endured trauma. It’s time for the post-Black Friday nap. Find the nearest couch, and let the relief of a shopping addiction wash over you. You’ve earned it. 

     Black Friday is not for the weak. It’s to test your determination, stamina, and strength. It’s more than just a shopping hobby, it’s a competitive sport. The important thing is that you participated in this intense tradition. So stay strong, and start preparing for next year!