Dear University,

   Hi, would you please let me pay you 200,000 dollars to attend your school? I know I may not have it all right now, I promise I’ll take out some loans .

  I’ll basically end up paying another 200,000 to the banks, which will take the rest of my life. I know it will all be worth it when you hand me a piece of printer paper after four years.

   Yes, yes, I know I’ve only worked for four years getting an education you told me I should have. I know I’ve only paid hundreds of dollars taking tests to prove to you that I’m a pretty ok student. But I’m willing to pay a few hundred more for you to review me and find out if I am indeed worthy of paying you a quarter of a million dollars.

   Thankfully I am a practical person and I’ll make the necessary cutbacks in order to pay you back in full. Instead of buying a home and car, and staring my family, I will live amongst the squirrels. I’ll collect acorns which I can then sell on the blackmarket (there’s a surprising demand).  Once I’ve made enough I should be able to afford a twig hut, without interfering with my debt payments.

   I’ll even pay you to come visit the haven that is your campus. I’ve heard you’ve added the most prestigious academic facilities in the country, such as: lazy rivers, gourmet restaurants, and NFL level stadiums. I just know that with such outstanding resources I will surely not be the 1 out 40 college graduates without a job when I graduate.  I’ll also be accustomed to my diet for the rest of my life which will consist of leaves and rain water.

   I just want to let you  know I think you are doing a wonderful job keeping your prices down despite rising inflation. I know you have had a few miscalculations but that happens to everyone. It’s my understanding that college tuition that cost $10,000 dollars in 1986 should now cost $21,500. That’s obviously an idealistic goal, so I appreciate that you’ve been able to keep it close to that on an average of only $59,800. Great job there.

   Anywho, I know you have several students to reject today because they haven’t volunteered in Haiti enough.

Sincerely,   A Grateful Student