“Happy birthday to you!” everyone sang. The six kindling candles reflect off my eyes as I watched my friend blow out the candles on her birthday cake. Everyone cheered and ran to get their plastic plates while I hung back.

 “Do you have the ingredients label to the cake?” I asked her mom as she sliced the cake. I already knew the answer before she spoke, and utter disappointment filled my young heart once again.

 “No, I’m sorry I threw it away. But there are no nuts in it, so you should be fine!” she said. I shook my head, thanked her anyways, and joined my friends who are enjoying the cake. I side eyed all the pieces of cake surrounding me, longingly.

 “This cake is so good! I can’t believe you can’t have any.” My friends gloated insensitively. I wished that I could have left, and went home. This is usually how birthday parties went for me. I know a piece of cake probably doesn’t seem like a big deal, but to a young girl dealing with a very serious peanut and treenut allergy who could never have cake at her friend’s birthday parties, it was.

 I was diagnosed with this allergy at two years old, and I found out the hard way. My earliest reactions started from when my mom kissed me on the cheek after eating some mixed nuts, to me going into anaphylaxis shock after drinking some yogurt and nearly dying. After that, I visited the allergist who took a couple tests, and there they revealed my curse.

 Most people usually don’t understand how severe my allergy is, they don’t think that these foods could actually kill me. One of my biggest fears is somebody sneaking nuts into my food to test that theory. I’m so sensitive to the food that if what I’m eating touched any nut products, things with nuts in it, or was made in a factory that uses nut products on their equipment, it’s still unsafe. Yes. That means I have never had Reese’s, KitKats, peanut butter/PB&J sandwich, Nutella, granola, Chick-fil-A chicken, and a long list of other items.

 Eating out is always a project when having an allergy. It never gets less embarrassing trying to explain your allergy to a waiter or asking to speak to a manager in front of your friends. Usually I find out I can’t eat a couple items on the menu, which turns into a lot of items because the foods usually share a fryer or are cooked together. The meals that are geared towards allergies end up being really plain and basic, but sometimes I can’t eat anything from that list, either. I guess steamed vegetables are better than nothing. I don’t even try with dessert.

 Even when I know the food is safe, I still feel anxiety, a feeling of worry in my stomach, when I eat a new food. Anytime I feel something unusual going on in my body I panic inside because I don’t know whether I’m having an allergic reaction or just a sore throat. I have PTSD from hives. Regular bumps or a little rash on my skin makes me freeze.

 I carry two EpiPens with me at all times and occasionally Benadryl. I became certified to give myself the Epi-pen around age eleven or twelve because I felt more safe knowing I didn’t have to depend on anyone else for my well-being. Before you ask, yes I have given myself the Epi-pen (at least 4 times), I don’t know how long the needle is, and yes it hurts, but I never hesitate to take it when needed.

 I’ve been lucky enough to be covered by my mom’s health insurance, so I never had to deal with the overly expensive prices of this life-saving medicine. Over the years, the Epipen prices have skyrocketed from $94 to the $300 and even $700 range. EpiPens are necessary for people with allergies to live as comfortably as possible with a life-threatening condition that they cannot control. It is completely insane to have to risk being in debt over something like that, but that’s a topic for another piece.

 Usually when people have some type of condition, they say they wouldn’t change it if they could. Well, screw that. Even though my mom tells me it’s not that good, I’d give anything to taste some Nutella! Even though I hate my allergy, I acknowledge that there are worse ones out there, and that some people got the even shorter end of the stick.

Allergies all around really suck. It’s a tough way to live and an unintentional major factor in all aspects of certain people’s lives, but we get through it. I know this wasn’t necessarily a cheerful  piece, but it was time for someone to crack open this tough nut (pun intended).