Every March, Major League baseball players either travel to the Sunshine State of Florida or the Grand Canyon State of Arizona.

  There is one thing that players look forward to more than anything else.

   No, it’s not catching up with teammates, signing autographs, or simply getting back into baseball’s daily grind.

  It’s the annual top-secret Winning by Cheating (WBC) conference, held in Orbit the mascot’s dressing room. The WBC was started by the Cleveland Hooligans in 1899, in the midst of an MLB-record 134-loss season.

  The Hooligans were gracious enough to invite players from around MLB to learn about the easiest path to a World Series title: by way of cheating. Only a handful of players, including two male strippers, a hitchhiker, and a circus ringleader, joined the Hooligans for the inaugural week-long conference at a sewage plant.

  When the Hooligans came out of nowhere (or so we thought) by reeling off 111 wins in 1901, players became increasingly interested in undermining the integrity of the MLB by joining the WBC.

  The conference’s proven success had such a profound impact on Houston Asterisks star second baseman Noisy Altuve and teammate George Sprinkler that they convinced their team’s entire spring training roster to attend the 2016 conference in hopes of becoming sign-stealing experts.

  After 2016, several teams utilized tactics taught at the WBC conference by some of baseball’s notorious cheaters, such as gambler Pete Rose and match-fixer Shoeless Joe Jackson, who rose from the dead after hearing about the WBC conference’s recent success.

  The 1930 Philadelphia Un-athletics were the WBC’s first real success story, claiming their first World Series Championship. However, the Houston Asterisks quickly became the poster child of the WBC, from a 131-loss season in 2014, to a 131-win season.

  The Asterisks even invented new sign-stealing tactics, including one method they dubbed “Operation Nosebreaker.” (Rings a bell, eh?) They developed a comprehensive nose-twitch recognition system which players in the dugout would relay to the hitter, thus notifying the batter of the upcoming pitch.

  The Asterisks front office recommended the installation of AI-mind reading chips on Minute Maid Park’s pitching rubber, which would help identify the pitch based on the pitcher’s thought process. The Asterisks became so confident in their ability to elude MLB rules that they went as far as designating drunk college students behind the first-base dugout to sit shirtless (only men, of course) with the opponent’s upcoming pitch type written on their chest.

  To this day, the Asterisks integrity-defying cheating attempts remain successful, drawing great admiration from corrupt players around the league, so much that the Asterisks will teach a brand-new three-day seminar, Sign-Stealing 101, at this year’s WBC conference.

  A recent leak of information regarding the WBC conference allowed the public to get a closer look into the conference. The WBC flyer distributed to Spring Training mascot dressing rooms reads:

“Calling all MLB players: Don’t miss a chance to learn from some of baseball’s greatest cheaters to ever play the game, all for just the small price of a potential lifetime ban from the MLB! Seminar speakers include: Nosy Altuve, Carlos Corruption, Goofy Gurriel and many more! Proven cheaters with proven results!”

  The future of baseball has never been brighter. So next time you attend a Houston Asterisks game, see how many cheating tactics you can spot throughout the course of the game!

  Oh, one more thing:

  Just don’t tell the Commissioner’s Office about this sign-stealing thing.