We live in a world that pressures us to vaccinate our innocent children. Society tries to force us to inject our babies with toxic chemicals, subjecting them to side effects ranging from stupidity to indoctrination by the government. We cannot stand for this. I will not stand for this. With my Webmd certified degree and experience in surfing the verifiable and 100% credible depths of Reddit, I’ll proceed to educate these so-called “doctors” on why I will not vaccinate my Pooh-bear. 

Vaccines are dangerous. Vaccines are harmful. Vaccines give our poor, poor sweetie-pies autism. And I’m already in too many Facebook groups to have to “associate myself” with Autism Moms’ Support Group. 

One time, I had to drop my husband off at his AA meeting. But instead of Alcoholics Anonymous, it was Autism Anonymous. Nobody spoke more than five words, and one of them wouldn’t even let me fix their tie. They shook me off, like I was the leper here. Needless to say, we never went back to AA. It’s fine, we’ve converted the basement to a wine cellar and installed a bar in our living room. 

I found websites, buried deep under false sources that tried to cover up the truth. There’s a compound out there. It plagues me in my sleep. It’s called dihydrogen monoxide. 

I know, I know. But you haven’t even heard the worst of it. 

This substance is used in every part of our life as we know it. It’s used to power factories and buildings, it’s included in pesticides, and it’s used to water the plants that we eat. Yes, Barbara, that includes the green salad with low calorie dressing you had yesterday for lunch. 

It floods our oceans, our rivers, our lakes, the world-wide water supply. It’s used in the production of every food we eat. According to “Mommy and Me” on Facebook, it’s used not only in the production of vaccines, but also in baby food and infant formula. We’ve been feeding this to our honey-bunches, and we haven’t even known about it. 

It’s toxic. It comprises cancer cells, viruses, bacteria. It’s also called hydroxyl acid, and can even cause natural disasters like acid rain. It accelerates the corrosion of metals like iron. Can you imagine what that would do in the throats of our baby-cakes?

Inhaling even the smallest bit can cause death. In fact, every single person who has ever touched, drank, eaten, or smelled this chemical has died.

I’ve worked so hard to separate my Billy-Bob and Sarah-Jane from the influence of this plague, but it’s just impossible. There are no regulations or bans on it, it is everywhere. It’s used as an industrial solvent, fire retardant. 

Manufacturers aren’t even obligated to specify its inclusion on warning labels.  

Military organizations fund research and experiments with dihydrogen monoxide, buried under mounds of government paperwork and none-the-wiser secretaries.  

And you know what? Why use this compound when we can use the proven, medicinally verified, essential oils? Paprika, coriander… even cinnamon… all proven to heal the common cold, HIV, and even cancer. 

It’s time to stand. To stand against vaccines, against dihydrogen monoxide. We know these only harm our little cheeky-cheeks. The doctors are wrong. The government is wrong. 

Here’s what I expect you to do: sign my change.org petition, organize rallies, berate the corrupted politicians of Capitol Hill. Put on your Ugg’s, I’ll bring the coffee… PSLs of course… and let’s get to work. Make posters, fliers, banners… “Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide.” Spread our message far and wide, take it to the skies! Rent airplanes to write in the clouds, “Die-hydrogen Monoxide!” Get your husbands to exchange their beer for activism. It’s time they start acting like the fathers they are. 

Follow me on Instagram, @yogapantsandpilates, and follow my podcast, Karen’s Kool Kongregation, KKK for short!