TikTok: A Teenage Necessity

Satire

Teens across the globe are showing their immense support for our new social media app, TikTok. TikTok allows these Gen-Zers to learn, grow, and communicate with one another, the average American teen spending about eight hours on our app each day swiping mindlessly and uncontrollably through 15-second clips. That’s why we call it TikTok; just click on that app and watch the time fly from your hands! Hours go by in mere minutes! But even though this app is so greatly benefiting the youth of America and the world, there are still some rumors, skepticism, and stigma, so we’re here to clear the air. Here are five reasons why you should download TikTok today.

Cure your boredom. These poor quaran-teens desperately need something to do, and TikTok has provided them with just that. Maybe at first lockdown was fun: Zoom calls with friends, learning to cook, and going for walks every day, but now let’s face it; nature is pretty boring, your family is super annoying, and those 17 overdue assignments — they’re not looking too fun either. TikTok is incredibly versatile in that it can be a hobby, a source of comfort, a reward, or even just background noise or something to look at. We know you are tired of looking at those same four walls in your room that you never leave. We know that you can’t help but feel lonely during this time even though your whole family is home, and you choose to avoid them.

We know staring blankly into those black boxes in the place of their classmates and listening to desperate teachers cry out for participation is pure torture. We know all that. Why do you think we boosted our advertising by 300% during the month of March? You need this app!

Put your worries at ease. Between the handling of the coronavirus, the presidential election, police brutality, and a whole sum of other issues, 2020 brought quite a bit of civil unrest to the nation and the world, leaving so much weighing on the minds of these poor teenagers. We at TikTok believe we all need a distraction, something to boost our spirits and keep our minds off of all of this chaos. Our app offers a variety of lighthearted content from trending dances to cooking videos to small business advertisements. You can explore new music, find some book recommendations, and learn tips for organization and living a healthier lifestyle. You can share laughs, opinions, and suggestions with kids your age hundreds of miles away. It brings people together, all in good fun. However, information and educating the public is also a huge part of this app, which is why our staff here at TikTok makes sure to feed those gullible teenagers just enough completely unbiased facts regarding worldly issues and current events so that they feel a bit uneasy. We don’t want these teens to worry, just to stay on edge and aware of issues out of their control. After all, your stance on worldly issues is something you have to know from a young age, and where better to find your information than the Internet, on an app dominated by other naive teenagers?

Engage in lively debate. Going along with our previous point, another great feature of TikTok is that it allows the youth to debate one another using the comment section feature.

Perhaps this can get a bit out of hand at times, but don’t worry parents! We are right on the cusp of eliminating those death threats! Debate is an incredibly important skill to have, and who better to debate pressing issues regarding politics and fiscal policy than stubborn, hormonal teenagers who have lived under their parents’ roofs their entire lives and can barely even hold down a summer job? Within a few months on TikTok you can really determine your standing on the political compass. The most liked comments on TikTok videos never lie! Videos and comments can really push you and your opinions around, all in the name of education of course. Then, you are free to pass judgment on others and shun them for their political beliefs, including your parents of course. Aren’t they just the worst?

Satisfy your shrinking attention span. From reading books to watching movies, watching movies to watching TV shows, and watching TV shows to watching YouTube videos, our attention spans are rapidly shrinking. TikTok is perfect in that videos are only 15 seconds! The 21st century is all about instant gratification and satisfaction. If you can’t get something right away, is it really worth your time? Why watch a 90-minute movie with a thorough plotline and a few jokes scattered throughout when you can watch 90 minutes worth of 15-second videos and overstimulate your young mind with punchline after punchline after punchline. You are too busy to waste time trying to find entertainment in books and movies, work on homework assignments that take over 30 minutes, wait 7 business days for a package, or listen to music without having something to look at. TikTok is all about the here and now.

We know what’s best for you. Here at TikTok, we use state-of-the-art technology to find out about you, your interests, your aesthetic, your friends, your family’s social class and party affiliation, where you live, your favorite color, and your sexual orientation so that we can show you videos you are guaranteed to enjoy and keep you with us for as long as possible. Trying to search around and find what interests you is an old-fashioned concept and not very efficient; just let us tell you what you like based on everything you say, search, or like across all social media platforms. When you watch a movie or TV show, there is only a chance that you are going to like it. Producers don’t cater their work to you, but here at TikTok, that is exactly what we do! We know you even better than you know yourself!

TikTok is the way of the future. We are raising the young generation, helping them navigate this scary world and find who they really are. Sure, sure we may be an overseas company that keeps thorough tabs on American children, and sure, the US government may have tried to shut us down a few times, but we just come back stronger. The kids need us; you need us.

Download today. Welcome home. Available on iOS and Android.