Dear King Henry VIII,

Your majesty, I hope this letter does not cause you to lose your head, considering our…complicated…history.

I wanted to get this out of the way before I continue my letter: I am not writing this in hopes of getting you back. If anything, you should be on your hands and knees begging for a second chance.

I am by far the hottest and sexiest of all your wives. Anne Boleyn might disagree, but I think getting decapitated is a bit of a turn off. I am writing to you for no other reason than to put you in your place. I think it’s truly ridiculous that you created divorce in order to get out of our marriage.

All because I didn’t have a boy?

Believe it or not, I have no control of our child’s gender. Also, what’s wrong with having a girl? I would think you’re a fan of women, considering you’ve married half the female population.

It’s interesting to see how you put such an outstanding effort into getting divorced, but not into our marriage! Nothing stopped you from getting that annulment, not even the Pope declining your request.

Your determination is honestly inspiring. You should put some of that energy into being a good king! Instead, you spend your days being a player and hopping chick to chick. I don’t know how you even pull these ladies unless their standards are insanely low. It baffles people to this day that I settled for you.

Not that you care, but I am doing well post-marriage, thank you very much. I’ve continued to be an inspiration to this world while you will go down in history for not being able to keep a wife. I mean, seriously, how many heads on sticks do you need? You’ve had six beautiful women and have gotten rid of all of them (besides Jane Seymour…rest in peace).

I heard you divorced Anne of Cleves because she was ugly, but I saw her picture, and she looks great! Gosh, make a guy king, and he thinks he can do whatever he wants.

I hear your relationship with your latest victim, Catherine Parr, is going well. Although I am sorry for her, I am happy for you Henry.

I truly am.

You might actually keep a wife! But on behalf of the headless Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard, the heartbroken Anne of Cleves, the dead Jane Seymour (again, R.I.P.), and the strong Catherine of Aragon, we are glad it’s not us.                                                                               

Yours Truly, 

Catherine of Aragon